All By Myself

42 years ago I got married. I was pretty young and so was he, but that was ok. We really loved each other and we did whatever it took to make things work. We went through times of little money; having to get supplemental food and heating oil through government programs. We changed homes and living situations a few times. We had two kids when we weren’t even sure we could support ourselves. We traveled and took those kids wherever we went, trying to give them lots of life experiences. We had animals; all different kinds.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

We bought land, then designed and built a new home for our young family. We (all four of us) actually built the house; you see he was a mason and I like to keep busy. So we did everything we could possibly do by ourselves, even the kids helped, we hired out very few contractors.

We ran a business for decades together, he doing the day to day mason work and me the bookwork. We had years where we didn’t like each other very much, but we worked it out. We wondered what we would do when the kids were grown and gone. Would we still have enough in common and want to spend time together? We bought a ‘retirement’ cabin in another state. We took a motorcycle safety course together and got our licenses; then we got two motorcycles and loved riding them together. As empty nesters we found out we could have just as much fun as we did when we were young marrieds.

And we loved each other – a lot.

He was a romantic and made sure our anniversary was always special, even the year his mother died the day before our anniversary. In later years he bought me jewelry for our anniversary which I cherish to this day. We celebrated our 11th on Mackinac Island, our 15th on the coast of Maine, our 25th with a party at home, our 30th with a small gathering of family and close friends on the patio put on by our kids, and our 35th on a mountain speaking new vows to each other with both of our children in attendance. And then just short of our 36th anniversary he died.

It’s weird because I feel I do still have a wedding anniversary, the day still comes every year, he’s just not here to share it with me. So I celebrate without him, however I’m able. The first few years I spent it with my daughter and son-in-law, who would make me whatever meal I wanted thank-you-very-much. Last year I was at my Log Cabin in Tennessee with my boyfriend. This year is going to be different.

This year I’m going to be all by myself. For the first time in 42 years I will be spending this date in my life alone. And so far I’m ok with that. A few years ago I would not have been. I couldn’t fathom being alone on my anniversary. I’m not sure I’ll be ok when the day does finally get here. But what I’ve found out in grief is that the anticipation of the things, and dates, and circumstances, are usually much worse than the actuality; not always, but mostly.

This year I’ll be at our Log Cabin. The one he loved so much he would go there by himself and just enjoy the quiet. Or he would go there to do things like replace the flooring or rebuild the fireplace with stone he hauled in from Wisconsin. I’m really hoping I’ll be ok by myself. It will be odd, being alone on this day for the first time in 42 years, in one of his favorite places.

Maybe I’ll go to one of our favorite restaurants in the area, or try a new one. Maybe I’ll start the day in the hot tub, or with a dog walk in the National Park. Maybe I’ll finally try my hand at fly fishing. Maybe I’ll see a live comedy show, or buy some fudge at his favorite place, or take a train ride into the mountains. I’m not sure what I’ll feel like that day, time will tell.

But I do know I’ll spend a quiet evening by the fireplace he rebuilt there, probably with a bottle of wine; and I’ll probably cry. He only had four years to enjoy the cabin, and in that time he really really loved the place. We had so many memories there in such a short time and for this I am grateful. It’s hard to be there; with or without people. He just loved it so much it hurts my heart to be there without him.

Once again grief brings me new experiences; a day meant to be shared but spent alone: and perhaps a new adventure in an area that is old hat. Whatever the day brings I will appreciate because 42 years earlier I married the man I would build a simple and wonderful life with, and that is something to celebrate. Happy Anniversary to us.